Not a Pretty Girl

 worthy

you think you're not worthy
i'd have to say i agree
i'm not worthy of you
you're not worthy of me
which of  us is deserving
i mean, look at the human race
the whole planet at arm's length
and we don't deserve this place

what good is a poker face
when you've got an open hand
i was supposed to be cool about this
i remember cool was the plan
tried to keep it all under wraps
but the wraps kept going slack
i keep turning around

i keep coming back

give me your vertical
your horizontal lines
i want to take each of them
bend them to fit mine
the world is too good for me
i am such a naughty girl
but when we're together
we're too good for this world

you think you're not worthy
i'd have to say i agree
i'm not worthy of you
you’re not worthy of me

tip toe

tiptoeing thru the used condoms
strewn on the piers
off the west side highway
sunset behind
the skyline of jersey
walking towards the water
with a fetus holding court in my gut
my body hijacked
my tits swollen and sore
the river has more colors at sunset
then my sock drawer ever dreamed of
i could wake up screaming sometimes
but i don't

i could step off the end of this pier but i got
shit to do
and an appointment on tuesday
to shed uninvited blood and tissue
i'll miss you i say
to the river to the water
to the son or daughter
i thought better of
i could fall in love
with jersey at sunset
but i leave the view to the rats
and tiptoe back

cradle and all

14th street the garbage swirls like a cyclone
three-o-clock in the afternoon
and i am going home
f-train is full of high school students
so much shouting, so much laughter
last night's underwear
in my back pocket
sure sign of the morning after

take me home
take me home and leave me there
think i'm gonna cry, don't know why
think i'm gonna sing myself a lullaby
feel free to listen
feel free to stare

i live in new york, new york
city that never shuts up
in the daylight everything is so gory
you can hear snatches of stranger's sorry stories
i moved there from buffalo
but that's nothing
the trico plant moved to mexico
left my uncle standing out in the cold
said here's your last paycheck
have fun growing old

take me home
take me home and leave me there
think i'm gonna cry, don't know why
think i'm gonna sing myself a lullaby
feel free to listen
feel free to stare

rockabye baby
in the tree top
when the wind blows
the cradle will rock
when the bow breaks
the cradle will fall
and down will come baby
cradle and all

youth is beauty
money is beauty
hell, beauty is beauty sometimes

it's the luck of the draw
it's the natural law
it's a joke, it's a crime
i was bored
you were bored
it was a meeting of the minds
now it's three in the afternoon
and i can't leave too soon
saying, thank you i had a nice time

take me home
take me home and leave me there
think i'm gonna cry, don't know why
think i'm gonna sing myself a lullaby
feel free to listen
feel free to stare

rockabye baby
in the tree top
when the wind blows
the cradle will rock
when the bow breaks
the cradle will fall
and down will come baby
cradle and all

maybe i'll live my whole life
just getting by
maybe i'll be discovered
maybe i'll be colonized
you can try to train me like a pet
you can try to teach me to behave
but i'll tell you, if i haven't learned it yet
i ain't gonna sit
i Anita gonna stay

take me home
take me home and leave me there
think i'm gonna cry
don't know why
think i'm gonna sing myself a lullaby
feel free to listen
feel free to stare

shy

the heat is so great
it plays tricks with the eye
turns the road into water
then from water to sky
there's a crack in the concrete floor
that starts at the sink
there's a bathroom in a gas station
and i've locked myself in it to think

back in the city
the sun bakes the trash on the curb
the men are pissing in doorways
and the rats are running in herds
i got a dream with your face in it
that scares me awake
i put too much on the table
now i got too much at stake

i might let you off easy
i might lead you on
i might wait for you to look for me
and then i might be gone
there's where i come from and
where i'm going
and i am lost in between
i might go out to that phone booth
and leave a veiled invitation
on your machine

you'll stop me won't you
if you've heard this one before
the one where i surprise you
by showing up at your front door
saying let's not ask what next
or how or why
i am leaving in the morning
so let's not be shy

the door opens
the room winces
the housekeeper comes in
without a warning
i squint at the muscular motel light
and say, hey, good morning
as she jumps her keys jingle
and she leaves as quickly
as she came in
i roll over and taste the pillow with my grin

the sheets are twisted and damp
the heat is so great
and i swear i can feel the mattress
sinking underneath your weight
sleep is like a fever
and i'm glad when it ends
the road flows like a river
it pulls me around every bend

stop me won't you
if you've heard this one before
the one where i surprise you
by showing up at your front door
saying let's not ask what's next
or how or why
i'm leaving in the morning
let's not be shy

sorry i am

i'm sorry i didn't sound more excited on the phone
i'm sorry that after all these years
i've left you feeling unrequited and alone
brought you to tears

i guess i never loved you quite as well
as the way you loved me
i guess i'll never really be able to tell you
how sorry i am

i don't know what it is about you
i just know it's not what it was
i don't know why red fades before blue

it just does

and i don't know what it is about me          
that i just can't keep still
i keep thinking some day
i will make this all up to you
and maybe some day i will

i guess i never loved you quite as well
as the way you loved me
i guess i'll never really be able to tell you
how sorry i am

light of some kind

wish i didn't have this nervous laugh
wish i didn't say half the stuff i say
wish i could just learn to cover my tracks
guess i'm not concerned enough
about getting away with it

every time i try to hold my tongue
it slips like a fish from the line
they say if you're gonna play
you should learn how to play dumb
guess i can't bring myself
to waste your time

‘cuz we both know what i've been doing
i've been intentionally bad at lying
and you're the only one i ever
let see thru me
and i hope you believe me
when i say i'm trying
i hope i never improve my game
i would rather have these things
weigh on my mind
‘cuz at the end of this tunnel
of guilt and shame
there must be a light of some kind

musta blown a fuse or something
it was so dark in my mind
she came up to me with the sweetest face
and she was holding a light
of some kind
and i still think of you as my boyfriend
i don't think this is the end of the world
maybe you should follow
my example
and go meet yourself
a really nice girl

we both know what i've been doing
i've been intentionally bad at lying
and you're the only boy i ever
let see thru me
and i hope you believe me
when i say i'm trying
i hope i never improve my game
i would rather have these things
weigh on my mind
‘cuz at the end of this tunnel
of guilt and shame
there must be a light of some kind

in the end the whole world
comes down to just a few people
for you it comes down to one
but nobody ever asked me
if i thought i could be
everything to someone
there's a crowd of people
harbored in every person
there are so many roles that we play
you've decided to love me for eternity
and i'm still deciding
who i want to be today

we both know what i've been doing
i've been intentionally bad at lying
and you're the only boy i ever
let see thru me
and i hope you believe me
when i say i'm trying
i hope i never improve my game
i would rather have this thing
weigh on my mind
‘cuz at the end of this tunnel
of guilt and shame
there must be a light of some kind
give me a light of some kind
i want a light of some kind

not a pretty girl

i am not a pretty girl
that is not what i do
i ain't no damsel in distress
and i don't need to be rescued
so put me down punk
wouldn't you prefer a maiden fair
isn't there a kitten
stuck up a tree somewhere

i am not an angry girl
but it seems like
i've got everyone fooled
every time i say something
they find hard to hear
they chalk it up to my anger
never to their own fear
imagine you're a girl
just trying to finally come clean
knowing full well they'd prefer
you were dirty
and smiling
i'm sorry
but i am not a maiden fair
and i am not a kitten
stuck up a tree somewhere

generally my generation
wouldn't be caught dead
working for the man
and generally i agree with them
trouble is you got to have yourself
an alternate plan
i have earned my disillusionment
i have been working all of my life
i am a patriot
i have been fighting the good fight
and what if there are
no damsels in distress
what if i knew that
and i called your bluff
don't you think every kitten
figures out how to get down
whether or not you ever show up


i am not a pretty girl
i don't really want to be a pretty girl
i want to be more than a pretty girl

the million you never made

the air comes off the ocean
and the city smells fishy
the air is full of fish and mystery
whispering who? what? when?
and i'm warning you i'm weightless
and the wind is always shifting
so don't hang anything on me
if you ever want to see it again
i'm telling you i'm different
than you think i am

you can dangle your carrot
but i ain't gonna reach for it
‘cuz i need both my hands
to play my guitar
and life is a sleazy stranger
who looks vaguely familiar
flirting with a bimbo named disaster
at the end of the bar
i'm telling you i'm different
than you are

at night when you're asleep
self hatred's gonna creep in
you can blame it on the devil
(the one who's bed you sleep in)
don't tell me what they did to you
as though you had no choice
isn't that your picture?
isn't that your voice?
if you don't live what you sing about
your mirror is going to find out

yeah, i'd like to go to all the pretty parties
where all the pretty people go
and i ain't really all that pretty
but nobody will know
‘cuz everybody loves you
when you're a star
and nobody questions
what it takes to go that far
life is a sleazy stranger
and this is his favorite bar


and no i don't prefer obscurity
but i'm an idealistic girl
and i wouldn't work for you
no matter what you paid
i may not be able
to change the whole fucking world
but i can be the million
that you never made
yeah i can be the million
you never made
you are looking at the million
that you never made

hour follows hour

hour follows hour like water follows water
everything is governed by the rule of one thing
leads to another
you can't really place blame
cuz blame is much too messy
some was bound to get on you
while you were trying to put it on me

don't fool yourself
into thinking things are simple
nobody's lying and still the stories don't line up
why do you try to hold on to
what you'll never get a hold on 
you wouldn't try to put the ocean in a paper cup

[i have had something to prove
as long as i’ve had something that needs improving
and you know that every time i move
i make a woman’s movement
first you decide what you’ve gotta do
then you go out and do it
and maybe the most that we can do
is just to see each other thru it]

hour follows hour like water in a river
and from one to the next we don't know
what each hour will deliver
we just call it like we see it
we call it out loud as we can
and then afterwards we call it all water
over the dam

and maybe the moral high ground
isn't as high as it seems
maybe we are both good people
who've done some bad things
i just hope it was o.k., i know it wasn't perfect
i hope in the end we can laugh and say
it was all worth it

[i have had something to prove
as long as i’ve had something that needs improving
and you know that every time i move
i make a woman’s movement
first you decide what you’ve gotta do
then you go out and do it
and maybe the most that we can do
is just to see each other thru it]

we make our own gravity
to give weight to things
and then things fall and they break
and gravity sings
we can only hold so much is what i figure
we try and keep our eye on the big picture
and the picture keeps getting bigger

too much is how i love you
but too well is how i know you
i've got nothing to prove this time
just something to show you
i guess i just wanted you to see
that it was all worth it to me

32 flavors

squint your eyes and look closer
i'm not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some
and i'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might wanna turn your head
‘cuz some day you are going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said

both my parents taught me about good will
and i have done well by their names
just the kindness i've lavished on strangers
is more than i can explain
still there's many
who've turned out their porch lights
just so i would think they were not home
and hid in the dark of their windows
‘til i passed and left them alone

god help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
‘cuz everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room
and god help you if you are a phoenix
and you dare to rise up from the ash
a thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
while you are just flying past

i never tried to give my life meaning
by demeaning you
and i would like to state for the record
i did everything that i could do
i not saying that i'm a saint
i just don't wanna live that way
i will never be a saint
but i will always say

squint your eyes and look closer
i'm not between you and your ambition
i am a poster girl with no poster
i am thirty-two flavors and then some
and i'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might wanna turn your head
‘cuz some day you might find you are starving
and eating all of the words that you said

asking too much

i want somebody who
sees the pointlessness
and still keeps their purpose in mind
i want somebody who
has a tortured soul some of the time
i want somebody who
will either put out for me
or put me out of my misery
or maybe just put it all to words and make me go
you know, i never heard it put that way
make me go what did you just say!?

i want somebody who
can hold my interest
hold it and never let it fall
somebody who can flatten me
with a kiss that hits like a fist
or a sentence that stops me
like a brick wall
if you hear me talking
listen to what i'm not saying
if you hear me playing guitar
listen to what i'm not playing
and don't ask me to put words
to all the spaces between notes

don't ask me to put words
to all the silences i wrote
in fact, if you have to ask, forget it
do and you'll regret it
i am tired of being the interesting one
i'm tired of having fun for two
just lay yourself on the line
i might just lay myself down by you
but don't sit behind your eyes
and wait for me to surprise you
i want somebody who
can make me scream until it's funny
give me a run for my money
i want somebody who can twist me up in knots
tell me, for the woman who has everything
what have you got?
i want somebody who's not afraid of me
or anyone else
in other words i want someone
who is not afraid
of themselves
do you think i am asking too much?

this bouquet

got a garden of songs
where i grow all my thoughts
wish i could harvest one or two
for some small talk
seems like i'm starving for words
whenever you're around
nothing on my tongue
and so much in the ground
nothing on my tongue
and so much in the ground

half the time i got my gaze
trained on your motel door
fourth door from the end
rest of the time my gaze lays
like a stain on the carpeted floor
 
if it weren't for my brain
i'd just go over and make friends
too bad about my brain
‘cuz i'd like to make friends

see the little songbird
unable to make a sound
you'd never know she follows
her words from town to town
we both got gardens of songs
and maybe it's o.k.
that i am speechless
‘cuz i picked you this bouquet
yup, sure am speechless
but i picked you this bouquet
 
crime for crime

the big day has come
and the bell is sounding
i run my hands thru my hair
one last time
outside the prison walls
the town is gathering
the people are trading
crime for crime

everyone needs to see the prisoner
they need to make it even easier
by seeing me as a symbol
and not a human being
that way they can kill me and say
it's not murder it's a metaphor
we are killing off our own failure
and starting clean

i am standing at the gallows
everyone turned my way
and i hear a voice ask me
if i've got any last words to say
i am looking out over
a field of familiar eyes
somewhere in a woman's arms
a baby cries

i say guilt and innocence
are a matter of degree
and what is justice to you
might not be justice to me
i went too far and i'm sorry
i guess now i'm going home
so let he amongst you
cast the first stone

nowadays we have all kinds of
complicated machines
so no one person
ever has to have blood on their hands
we have complex organizations
and if everyone just does their job
no one person ever has to understand


you might be the wrong color
you might just be too poor
justice isn't something
just anyone can afford
you might not pull the trigger
you might be out in the car
and you might get a lethal injection
‘cuz we take metaphors that far

the big day has come
and the bell is sounding
i run my hands thru my hair
one last time
outside the prison walls
the town is gathering
the people are trading
crime for crime
the people are trading
crime for crime
people are still trading
crime for crime